Learning Story – Shrutikirti
They say constant motivation, hope, reminiscing about your past successes can bring you further success. I was once in a phase of life where nothing of this sort worked for me. It was only my self-love, self-assessment about where I was going wrong and a constant push towards achieving my inner goals that kept me going.
This is a story of the time when I went through a deep depression. It’s a story which no one really knew about (until now)! This depressive period in my life began during a time when I had lost track of where my relationship was and where it was headed. I was engaged to a person whom I never really felt I belonged with. I was ‘in’ that relationship for 5 years without truly knowing him and in fact not truly understanding ‘us’! I fell for him and the comfort of a relationship and then I continued along with it for that long because ‘it was easy’. I had multiple issues with my behaviour when I was with him which I only feel comfortable talking about now. I used to feel undeserving, emotionally weak and found myself always thinking of about an ‘ideal’ person even though I was already in a relationship. I remember it clearly, it was in December 2018 that I finally realised that being in that relationship wasn’t worth my happiness. I knew the man I was with never respected me, never gave me my space and never appreciated me how I was. When I had had enough, I cut all contacts, broke my engagement and went for a holiday to Doha!
By this time, I had also quit my job. So I ended up shifting to my home town and had nothing but a clean slate to start. I was petrified by the emotions my heart ached with. Just when I was figuring myself out, I lost my closest and most favourite human, my Bua. That brought me low again. There were sleepless nights where I could feel her touch on my head. I talked to her in my dreams. I cried only at night when my parents slept because they were sad too.
Now that I am out of the depressed state I still feel lonely even with people around. Despite that, I am in a beautiful space now. The people around me are so few that I can count them on my fingers. But my state of mind has recovered. Throughout it all, I kept on pushing myself – hunting for a new job, crying out my emotions around losing my Bua.
All I want to urge you, the reader, is to never lose yourself. It’s gonna be alright as long as you hold yourself up! I was lucky enough to have my aunts with me and also one special person who never left my side. I got out of this phase by accepting myself, by accepting my dark sides and improving myself.
Lastly, I would urge you all to stand up for yourself and build yourself. I still haven’t reached exactly where I want to be. But, I have changed my life for the better. I would have been married, in a toxic relationship and living with a family that didn’t respect my social outlook had I not taken those first steps. I changed it, I chose my own path. I am happiest with the man who loves me, who understands what I am doing and who takes care of the smallest thing!
You will be fine, just trust the process!
“Stop getting comfortable with the LIES around you, I did that. I can’t be more happier!” – Shrutikirti